The dark questions. The angry accusations.

Yes, I have those. There are times when I cry out to God and ask, “What good is it doing anyone for my sister to not be here?” “Why couldn’t she just have a normal life and grow into an old grandmother with me?” "Why do I have to be an only child now?" "Why am I alone?"

Even though my flesh wants to stay angry and sit in my darkness for days, my inner peace has a way of taking over. Deep down, I know that God is good. His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. (Psalm 55:8-9) Thanks to His steadfast tender hold on me, this statement does not make me mad. Instead, this statement gives me comfort. I do not have the responsibility to know everything. I do not need to worry and fear His plans for me. Because, God has a way of smoothing our broken paths.

Would I have ever stepped out of my comfort zone to write a book? Would I have ever been so determined to value my dreams? Would I have ever silenced the noise around me to pursue my goals? Would I have realized how fragile life is and become motivated to live on purpose? Most likely, no.

Allison’s death changed me. I had been living in a pink fairy tale bubble. Nothing bad would happen. I was misled by my former church into thinking that every unpleasant situation was a spiritual attack on God’s people. I was misled into thinking that if I prayed enough, believed enough, and stood in authority enough, then God would win this battle and give me what I wanted.

The reality that slapped me in the face after Allison’s death is that all of those things were for me. They were self-centered. I wanted God to heal my sister so that I wouldn’t have to experience the pain of her death. I wanted to be shielded from living life “alone” without her.

She was always my first layer. My guard in a way. She was two years older; the vivacious, social one. I very willingly followed behind; I was the quiet one. I loved it. It was safe. It was easy.

Her death knocked me down. It knocked me down from my distorted perspective on spiritual truths. Do you remember the feeling of falling off a swing? The breath was knocked out of you and you could only lay there; half in shock, half in pain. That’s where I was. For weeks and months. My mind was filled with fog. I couldn’t pray. I could barely engage with my husband and children. I couldn’t face the beautiful women who stood by my side during my sister's journey into Heaven. I had no clue who I was or what this life even meant.

Does anything even matter?

I eventually started reading Ecclesiastes. I always thought it was such a depressing book in the Bible. “Everything is meaningless,” says the Teacher, “completely meaningless!” Ecc. 1:2. “I have observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless – like chasing the wind.” Ecc. 1:14.

Here is a little background on King Solomon. He was not always the wisest or richest king in history. He was simply born to a man who didn’t shy away from loving God with his whole heart, King David. When his father died, Solomon became king. He was nervous. He was afraid of the responsibility. God told him he would give him anything he asked for. God assumed he would ask for riches or territory. Instead, Solomon asked for wisdom so that he might rule his people with excellence. God loved this request. This request was from a place of service. Solomon wanted his people to have a great leader. His people were his focus.

So, King Solomon did much and gained much. He worked hard and at some point in his life, he felt an emptiness. That’s why he searched and searched for the meaning in this world. This is why he wrote Ecclesiastes. He tried everything; indulged in wordly pleasures, lived uprightly, worked with his hands in the field, worked with his mind in business, etc. What he discovered was that -

- everything is meaningless because everything has happened before and everything will happen again.

This is a depressing truth. But, don't stop there. Keep reading and discover how a hardened heart can be softened.

“Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time… there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can… for these are gifts from God.” Ecclesiastes 3:10-13

What I have been given is a new life, so to speak. So have you. Take some time to make a list of the bad and the good things that have come from the death of your loved one. Here is mine:

1. Yes, my lifelong companion died (bad.)

2. She left this earth to become a glorious person in the Heavenly realms (good.)

3. I am a different person (good.)

4. I am broken but not destroyed (bad and good.)

5. I am grieving but not alone (bad and good.)

Now, I walk about my life with my sister deeply connected to me. She is now part of my being. She is a part of who I am daily. She is not a phone call or short drive away. My grief has connected us inside my heart forever.

Grief opened the door for my lost one's spirit to fill me every day.

Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

Are you ready to gently guide your soul into a place of healing during bereavement? Science has proven the benefits of bibliotherapy and journal therapy. Order your guided Grief Journal today.

Praying for your new life, that you will find the good amongst the bad,

Laura