My Faith is Shaken

Disclaimer: This is a raw journal entry during my sister, Allison’s, journey toward Heaven. She died on March 13, 2015. This is not meant to be dark. Rather, may it provide comfort and connection for those who have also experienced a deep loss like mine.

February 28, 2015

Allison’s neurologist confirmed what we have all expected. The tumor has not shrunken and they will stop doing chemotherapy. She has an appointment with MD Anderson but it won’t be verified until there is confirmation of a clinical trial for her. We are looking at getting Hospice care for her.

Lord, it was so sad to see her yesterday. Her right arm hurt and was basically shriveled up against her body. She was unstable and it was hard for her to sit steadily and she was so exhausted.

I desperately want her healthy again. For my benefit of course, but also for Lance (her husband) and Caroline (her 5-month-old) and for Allison. How I deeply enjoy my husband and children. I want that for her.

God, help us. 

I feel my faith shaking. I feel so many “Why’s?” rising up. Lord, I don’t want to doubt You. I don’t want to doubt Your sovereignty, love, or power. I want to still trust in Your miracles.

I feel cold and hard-hearted right now. I feel like I am so confused on what to feel and what to pray for. I am just a blank space. I am waiting to be directed and filled up.

God, thank You, for such a beautiful cloud of witnesses that surround me. They encourage me and challenge me to be strong and confident. They won’t allow me to wallow in darkness. God, thank You. For I am prone to wander.

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