Strength Was Hers

Disclaimer: This is a raw journal entry written the day after my sister, Allison, left this earth and journeyed into Heaven. This is the hardest blog post I have written. May it provide comfort and connection for those who have also experienced a deep loss like mine.

March 14, 2015

"There I will go with thee and commune with thee there." Exodus 25:22. 

Jesus, commune with me here in my living room. I need Your strength and Your hand to be upon me as I walk down this path of grief. This is a path that I have never experienced. Help me to hope, help me to see and feel joy at the end and along the way.

God, I give You my life. I am at a loss at what to do.

One step at a time.

Jesus, speak and lead me. Help me gather my thoughts.

On March 13, 2015, my most beloved and kind and caring and funny and fun and beautiful sister finished the race set before her. Always with dignity and grace and peace. She was never frazzled but always trusted that God’s hand was upon her. She never wavered. She kept going. She was never consumed with her circumstances. Her eyes were always fixed on Jesus. Strength was hers. She didn’t lose her battle. She merely finished! God said, “You have done enough, my good and faithful servant, my beloved daughter, my heir, my holy one… and now I will rescue you from this fallen and troubled world to live with Me forever in paradise.”

Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever. Hebrews 10: 32&34

Jesus, how desperately I do and will miss her smile. It was more than a facial expression; it spoke to my Spirit and penetrated my heart. Her smile told me that not only she, but God Himself, loves me and deeply cares for me. It did so very much for my well-being.

She was my companion from birth up until I turned 23 when my wonderful Hampton married me. At that time, we went through a rough and dry patch. But, we were still deeply and closely connected on another level. We both needed time to develop. I needed time to be me and not trail in her shadow. And she gave me that time and space.

Then, in the blink of an eye, we were “equal”, encouraging one another. I finally had something of depth to offer her. Oh, God, I pray that I did. She never gave up on me. She bore with me while I wandered – and she received the brunt of my sinful and defensive rebellion. Thank You, God, for Your forgiveness and for hers. Thank You, that we moved forward.

I have always cared about her well-being and her comfort. I guess that’s a sister thing? I have always known where she was and had an idea about what it was like. Now, I have no idea.

I want to know and see how she is. God, give me faith. Faith to truly believe in Heaven and all of the glory You have stored up for us. I have never been face to face with the reality of it. I have often told people at a funeral, “They are in a better place now,” and assumed it was comforting. The truth is, it isn’t comforting when you are so deeply connected to the one who died. Because now they are somewhere you cannot even possibly fathom. How foolish I have been to do that.

Help me, Lord. Give me a sign and a mighty peace so that I know that I know. I wait for You, Lord. You work everything according to Your perfect and pleasing will.

Help us, Jesus.

So let it (your endurance) grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James 1:4

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